A Search for Lost Inspiration

Whilst sitting up in my bed tonight in the wee hours of morning, listening to the outside passing traffic and waiting for sleep to come, I was struck with a sudden pang of longing.

After much consideration of where this feeling was coming from, I realized that it was the spark of inspiration that has been all but gone from my life these last few months. You see for a while now, longer then I care to admit, I have felt no creativity in my bones. I have wanted to write, to take photographs, to make videos, to decorate my apartment, to meet interesting people, to dance- I have wanted to create things like I use to, but I have lost the feeling of how to, the internal pleasure I once got from it.

I have spent months trying to get the feeling back, I have tried to force myself to write and to take photographs, but there has been no lusture behind them, no excitement- souless tripe! I have watched films, listened to songs, looked through countless art work of all varieties and read books, all in an attempt to find that lost inspiration- to no avail.

So how peculiar it should be that tonight, a night with no special meaning, I find myself feeling the spark of desire to do something creative for the first time in a long time. A spark that might just become a flame. I have missed you.

From The One You Left Behind

I should have known it probably wasn't love a long time ago, well at least not the everlasting, Disney-filled type of love I had always thought I wanted.

I think the first time I knew was a Friday morning a few years ago when I was woken up from the irritable ringing of my mobile alarm and I knew that meant that I had to get up for work and leave the comfort of his bed and his body. I looked at him with his dark eyes and ruffled bed hair and I knew that I couldn't leave today- that when I looked back at my life this one day was not going to be spent working, but instead with his arms wrapped around me and the world stopping for a few more hours.

I called in a sick day and crept back beneath the covers of our secret lover's lair.

But then a few more hours passed and this time it was the sound of his digital alarm ringing that woke us from slumber and I knew this time we had to leave our nest- the world was awake now and so were we.

So we made our way to the train station- I was going home and he was going to work. And as we arrived across the station, we saw the train coming in the distance, so we ran to make it, at first holding hands and then we parted and I yelled "Just run for it, I'll get the next one". So he ran for the ticket machine and made the train just in time. I stepped onto the platform just as the train doors closed and I watched it pull away while he waved goodbye.

It was that exact moment that I knew that I probably loved him more then he could ever love me. And I sat on the platform alone and waited for the next train.

Oh What A World

Sometimes I get caught up in this feeling of thinking I’ll never measure up to anything much in my life. It is not that I am self-loathing and hate my life or anything, on the contrary over the last few years I have come to really appreciate everything that I do have and all the small occurrences and musings that make my life so wonderful.

But I am still plagued by thoughts that make me think my all consuming imagination and dreams that I hold for myself are nothing more then a fairytale that I could just never achieve in this life- whether it be to obvious hindrances like lack of intelligence or money, or something more like the ever present fear of rejection and failure, or even that maybe at the end of the day that what I dream of doing is unattainable because I’m just not good enough and other people that too held the same dreams so dear well they just are good enough to make them work.

And I always hear people say positive affirmations like ‘follow your dreams’ or ‘the world is your oyster, you can do whatever you put your mind to’ and I can’t help but think that maybe that is all a crock, nothing but bullshit that we are spoon feed by people who think that believing in these things will actually make them true. Which unfortunately it is just not the way the world works.

I look at peoples lives all around me and I wonder if they have followed their dreams and actually achieved what they wanted to or if they just decided on settling for something less because they just could not keep going on a hope. I look at myself and wonder if after the unbridled hopes, plans and dreams of my youth fade, am I destined to just fall into the assembly lines of mediocrity and settle for whatever keeps food in my belly and a roof over my head?

Is that the way it all works?

Watching Clouds

He had been taught how to kiss by the town’s whore, who incidentally was also the town’s most beautiful and sought after girl. She had been three years above him at school and he remembered perfectly the scene of the first time he had approached her.
It was one of those sunny fall days where the light makes everything look like a dream. Edward had been following her for four blocks waiting for her admirers to disperse before he approached her.
“Excuse me Annabelle, but may I lend your ear for a moment?”
“Who are you?”
“My name is Edward. We both go to the same school”
“And so?”
“Right, well I was wondering if I might be able to ask you something?”
“Well then ask won’t you and we’ll see if you can”
He hadn’t been prepared for her overwhelming stifling beauty, he had always known her to be beautiful, yes this went without saying, but standing in her presence with her eyes locked into he’s own, he felt almost as if she had him in a trance and this he had not been prepared for. After a few moments of burning silence she finally spoke.
“Have you forgotten Edward?”
“I was wondering if you might kiss me? Perhaps even several times until it feels right”
“And why would you want to kiss me?”
“Because I have not kissed anyone before and you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen outside of the fantasies of cinema”
“And why would I want to kiss you?”
“Because you are a whore”
A smile crept across her face by this last statement and she quickly looked around where her and Edward stood as if to make sure no one could hear them before whispering.
“I am not really a whore you know Edward. It is just easier for people to not be so envious of me when they can imagine that I must be a scarlet woman, so for this reason I let them think this”
“I think you are beautiful”
“Are you not too young to be thinking about kissing girls?”
“I plan to be a ladies man when I am older, like Dean Martin or Leonard Cohen and so I figured I should probably get started early if I am going to achieve the same kind of status as them”
She laughed at this, but not in the same patronizing way that he’s mother had when he had told her of his plans, but in way that made him think she really believed that one day he would in fact be a world-class lover.
“You are a very sweet boy Edward. Would you like to walk home with me?”
“Very much so”
It wasn’t until she was sure that they were out of sight from any hidden eyes that she held his hand in hers and it wasn’t until a few weeks after their first meeting, that behind her dad’s garden shed whilst they lay beside each other on the sharp grass watching the clouds, she gave Edward the kiss that he had so very much longed for.

A Woman With A Curse On Her Lips

Something quite eerie happened to me on the weekend just passed and now I shall share it with you good folks. A friend and myself were walking down Bloor Street and noticed a small woman in the distance who seemed to be screaming to herself. Not really that phased by this we continued walking down the street, after all big cities usually also mean a lot more people who’s mask of sanity has started to slip and so witnessing a lonesome stranger screaming to themselves although a little sad is not exactly an uncommon occurrence.

Still human curiosity always prevails and both of us were still quite transfixed by this woman’s seemingly uncalled for outburst. Anyway now comes the somewhat creepy part, as we passed by this crooked little woman she stopped and looked right at us, both her eyes looked like they had a thin white layer of film over them, which added to the general overall sinister appearance of her. Anyway as she stared at us she whispered something under her breath and then brought her hand to her eyes, quickly waving her fingers from eye to eye in an almost mechanical fashion, before she started screaming once again and me and my friend shuffled away.

Now perhaps I have seen way to many scary films, read way to many horror books and been told way to many ghost stories- but something about this experience was quite unnerving, it sounds crazy but I think this woman was trying to curse me and my friend. This happened about two days ago and for the moment I have no reports of any unnatural beards sprouting or any ghastly events taking place, so for the mean time I’ll adopt a skeptical view on things and just assume this woman was merely speaking gibberish and a little senile perhaps. After all am I not getting a little bit old to believe in this kind of stuff?

Cold Mornings Wrapped In Sheets

She: In my dreams last night there was blood, I was bleeding, leaving a trail of blood behind me wherever I would walk and people around me looked scared and disgusted by me, like this bleeding some how upset their lives more then it did my own

Him: Where were you bleeding?

She: It was coming from under my skirt; thick clean lines of blood covered my legs entirely

Him: So maybe it wa-

She: It wasn’t that, it was coming from somewhere else, like I was slowly emptying from the inside, being drained, but I wasn’t scared about it and when I woke up I thought I could feel it, the blood that is, I swear I could feel it soaking the sheets, but it was just my head playing tricks on me, I was fine

Him: What did you do then?

She: I fell back to sleep and had no more dreams of blood

Are We Losing Touch?

Recently a friend and me were talking about losing touch with people that were once part of your everyday life and I guess its been playing on my mind ever since…

Its strange how you can be sitting across from someone and they can look so familiar, and something about their presence is still comforting to you, but it’s a cold comfort in the fact that once this person meant a lot in your life. This person once knew you and you knew them and you laughed with them, cried with them, talked about everything with them- but now every word seems like its spoken with some imaginary force behind it, a force that wants you both to get back to that place where talking came easy and you made each other happy. So you do a lot of "Hey remember this time?” and “Yeah and I was like no way man”, and you even try to mould your personalities back to the way they were back then, just so it makes it easier for both of you.

Although it can make you a little sad and nostalgic, you can take comfort in the fact that everything changes in this world, most of all you, you change a little each day without even realizing it- until one day you sit and look back at yourself a few years ago and think Wow I don’t even know that person anymore. And that’s how you know when someone in your life, whether it be friend, family, lover or acquaintance is real special- because you can both change and maybe not even see each other for a long time, but when its just you two again, its almost like nothing has changed at all.

In this life of ours, most of our relationships are fleeting in some way or another, and some people for an unknown reason will stay with you in your memories forever and others will fade away to nothing. I have had people that I have spoken to only once or twice before that have burned a place in my mind more then people I may have seen and spoken to everyday at one point. That is what makes the journey all so wonderful because you never know what lasting effect people are going to have for you.

That’s one of the things I love about traveling- over the last two years, I have met some wonderfully amazing people that I would probably never have even crossed paths with if I had not decided to get out and leave the comfort of my home town. Some people that in one way or another have contributed to me as a person in a way they could never even imagine. And in a way, although it would be nice, it does not matter if I see some of them again or not- because at one point in my life they made me happy, even if it was just for a moment.

And that’s what this life really is, a series of moments that play like a film where the lead role and directing seat is yours.

Running with Day Dreams

I want European Springs and Summers, I want beautiful people taking photos of ugly things, I want black and white dreams that run like silent movies, I want love affairs with poets and painters, I want to live in picturesque towns that make walking down the streets feel like poetry, I want to be woken up to sweet kisses everyday, I want to drink tea on balconies whilst talking to cats and birds, I want to lay in the sun and read books all day, I want to watch romantic films at theatres with red velvet curtains, I want to travel by trains across countries that look like photographs, I want to listen to music on record players while bathing in milk , I want to be sent flowers and mixed tapes from secret admirers, I want to go to dinner parties where people drink wine and discuss charming and provocative subjects, I want to write stories that read like a symphony, I want to take photo's that look like day dreams, I want to receive letters that were written by hand, I want undying love and fleeting romances, I want to not be limited by hindrances like money or work, I want everyday to be a romantic splendour of life.

From the mind of an over imaginative girl, this is what I want.

The Tape

When I was younger, so much younger then today, me and my sister Emmily used to go to our father's house on weekends. Our dad used to tape music programs like Video Hits onto VHS tapes and there was this particular tape that I remember watching what must have been at least 100 times- Emmily and me would sit on the grey couches, watch and sing along with the music videos.

The tape was full of songs, most of which I still love and that drive me crazy with nostalgia whenever I still hear them today- Saltwater by Julian Lennon, Not a Day Goes by Rick Price, Stay by Shakespeare Sisters, even Everything's Alright from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar (The Kate Cebrano/ John Farnham/ Jon Stevens version). One of my favourites was definitely Kate Bush's version of Rocket Man, I used to think she was so beautiful and chic. And now for your listening pleasure...

Over Crowded Rooms

Its always the times I'm left alone too long, the times I'm left to delve into my own mind's endless barrel of thoughts. Thoughts about the past, thoughts of the things that I have done that lead me to those different situations, thoughts on how I could have changed the way things turned out if I had maybe been a different person to who I really am.

And as I watch the clothes that seem to spin forever behind their glass protector, I'm taken back to that room where I sat staring out a fourth floor window onto the streets below and how I wished I could trade places with any of the people I watched out there, even for a few moments, and I see a sign in the distance that says 'Be Happy' and I think to myself how fitting it seems as I'm choking back tears that I refuse to let escape out of me. Not today, not now.

I wait and I hear people saying my name in the hall, but I know better then to interrupt them. And I think about how I was once told by a complete stranger on the bus that I was a real classy lady, a picture of class, and I laugh- I laugh because classy ladies didn't end up in places like this, no classy ladies avoided these places like the plague and not because they are trying to, but because their natural class would see to it that they never did.

A song starts on a distant radio somewhere, one I've never heard and I think how that in normal circumstances I probably would have liked the song, I probably would have listened for a line that I could jot down to look up later and find out the name of it. But I don't jot down any lines today, I never want to hear the song again after this.

And I wait.

The Things You Find...

Today whilst I was cleaning up my email account and deleting things that were long overdue to be deleted, I came across a very old story I wrote when I was about Nineteen and bored at work one day. It's terribly corny, not very well written and full of terrible punctuation- but since I'm feeling very uninspired today, I decided to share it with you all- Enjoy!

DOOMSDAY PICNIC

Bryan stood by the window staring into the sky, into the eyes of the meteor that was now only hours away from ending everything. He remembered how he had been walking through the city on the day he heard about the earth’s soon to be final chapter. A man, who at the time he had presumed to be crazy, was being held back by police as he screamed “What’s it matter anymore! There is no hope! God has abandoned us all!”.
He had phoned Feeona straight away to tell her about the event, only to be greeted by her tears as she whispered “It’s all over now Bryan”.

Bryan walked away from the window, he had decided the only thing worse then an unstoppable death was waiting for it to come. He looked at the clock in the Hall, 5.38pm; he recalled the news from the previous day stating that the presumed time of contact was around 11.45pm. He had found it almost humorous how the news reporter had told the story, as if she wasn’t announcing the time that the world would be no more, but more like she was reporting a Feline fashion show or something equally as uninteresting.

The house was painfully quiet, the silence was deafening to Bryan’s ears as he sat waiting and listening to the distant anarchy of the streets outside. A knock at the door broke his concentration and he jumped up straight away to go answer it.
Feeona stood there with a basket and was wearing an unexpected smile, she walked past Bryan into the house in silence.
“You’re here” Said Bryan. Feeona smiled and reached into the basket “I’ve brought you something, I was saving them for our anniversary, but I suppose there’s no point in that now”, she pulled out a pair of socks in the shade of baby blue and held them out. Bryan hastily grabbed the socks and ran to his room to put them on. They looked perfect he thought to himself.

Bryan walked into the lounge room to find Feeona playing with some trinkets on the shelves, “I’ve been waiting for hours you know” he said, Feeona kept her back faced towards him as she told him of how the public transport wasn’t running anymore and of how cars littered the freeway making it virtually impossible to drive down, which had left walking as her only option, “I got here as quick as I could you know” she had said, “I’m just happy you’re here” he had replied. Feeona turned to face him and smiled “ I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else Bryan”. She would have been content just spending these last few hours staring into Bryans eyes for eternity.

Bryan was laying on his back on the roof, staring once again into the sky. He heard Feeona calling him from the Balcony, “Bryan its ready! Help me up!”, he scurried over to the roofs edge and held out his arms for first the basket Feeona was extending out to him and then Feeona as she struggled to pull herself up. “Shall we?” Bryan asked with a smile, “We shall indeed” Feeona responded.

Feeona pulled out a red checkered blanket from the basket and laid it out on the roofs tiles. As Bryan sat down he looked on at Feeona as she fiddled around with the contents of the basket- pulling out a hot thermos of pumpkin soup, a small plate of buttered bread, two small bowls, two cups and bottle of champagne. Bryan popped open the champagne and poured two large glasses, “What shall we toast to?” he said, “Hmm what about us being together for the rest of our lives?” asked Feeona, “To us” whispered Bryan.

They had been laying in each others arms for hours now- sharing secrets, childhood memories and theories on what they thought was going to happen after all this had ended. “When I first heard about it I thought it was some kind of sick scientific study on human behavior- that it was all made up to see how everybody would react, but then it started getting all too scary not to be real” Feeona had told Bryan. “I guess all things, all times eventually end- I mean look what happened to the dinosaurs. I think this may be the end of human existence as we know it, but not a complete end to existence at all” Bryan had shared. It was around then that the ground started shaking, slow at first, but faster as the minutes went by, “Its happening” whispered Feeona.

Bryan and Feeona had scampered off the roof before it had collapsed, they had taken refuge under a nearby tree, holding on tightly to each other. “Bryan” Feeona shouted over the noise “I just want you to know, that there’s nobody else I would want to be sharing this moment with right now”, “Me to Feeona” said Bryan before kissing her for what would be the last time ever. Suddenly there was a massive blast of light instantly blinding all who saw it. And then there was nothing.

When I was Nineteen

Only three short years go I was nineteen years old.

I lived with my sister in our first apartment away from home in Mount Lawley, Perth.

My older sister and her girlfriend at the time lived next door and we would all spend most nights during the week together, hanging out and watching bad TV shows.

Most weekends I would go to Amplifier Bar, scatter my brain with various substances, smoke too many cigarettes and dance with my friends until the lights went on and the sun was rising.

I had been with the guy of my dreams for 2 years, we would have sleep overs, rent movies and make out until our lips were blood red.

I worked for Xpress Magazine as a receptionist and it was the coolest job I had ever had.

I would have extended email conversations with my best friend all day at work and we would talk about anything and everything under the sun.

I dyed my hair blonde for the first time in seven years.

I would spend hours downloading music from obscure indie bands, just to have it on my ipod.

I read a lot of cult books because it made me feel cool and mature when people would ask what I was reading.

My mum would take me on driving lessons once a week, alas- I still don't have my license.

I joined a gym with my sisters and we promised to keep each other motivated, but after a few weeks we stopped going.

I wanted to a famous photographer one day.

I dreamed of travelling the world and more then anywhere dreamed of going to Paris someday.

It was the last year of my teens and life was perfect.

Goodbyes

Sometimes in this one life of ours you have to say Good Bye to people. Some you do not want to say good bye to, some you are kind of happy you are and then there are the good byes that break your heart to do it, but you know you have to.

It's a sad thing when something in your life that you were so sure of, something that made you so happy once upon a time suddenly changes. And then when you look back you realise that it wasn't so sudden, that it had been creeping up on you both for a long time but you just didn't see it. You didn't want to see it. And you wonder how you can still love somebody so damn much and still want to be with them all the time, but know that it is not right for either of you.

And you cry because you don't understand how this happened- how you allowed it to happen, you get angry and shake because everything just seems out of your control, you sleep and sleep so you can pretend for a few hours that it's not real, you go out and drink and met people- but nobody seems as good them and so you cry some more and convince yourself that you will never be happy again.

And then there is that final moment when you know everything will change after this and you hug and you kiss and you wonder how something that feels so right just isn't. And you walk onto a raining street and you hope that the rain will mask your tears. And you wish you could fast forward time to a place where everythings good again. And it will be. Eventually. Because it has to be.

Homeward Bound for Christmas

On my way to work today, as the first traces of snow flakes were falling from the sky, I had two thoughts. The first was that if I keep forgetting to wear my earmuffs and gloves in this kind of weather, I will most probably develop frostbite. And the second was that this time in less then three weeks I shall be returning to my home shores of Perth, Australia for the first time in 16 months!

How time does fly when your having fun. It feels like only yesterday I was anxiously waiting for the plane to take off from the runway, waving goodbye to my family and wondering if I could really make it on my own on the other side of the world.

Travelling has been an amazing thing, the more places I see- the more of this world I crave, I pine for! And the longer I'm away from home, the more I realise that this is exactly what I need to be doing with my life right now. For so long I've been putting these limits on myself as to what I should 'realistically' be doing with my life at this point- go home and study, start my long term career, start saving for fuck knows what- something adults save up for. But then I'll get to a new place, a place I've never been before and something happens to me- I'm happy.

Being away from Perth has made me appreciate it all that bit more then I ever did while I was living there as well. The closer it gets, the more excited I am. I've been developing a habit of randomly smiling and squealing when I think about it lately- sometimes when I am walking down the street, which I fear is making me look crazy to people passing by who quickly shuffle away from me.

Home Sweet Home!

A Memory Best Forgotten

I'm a pretty nolstagic person a lot of the time. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm getting nolstagic about, I just get this weird feeling in my stomach like something- a time, a place, a person has come to pass through my life and no matter what I do, this something will now only exsist in my memory- my own personal collection of scenes from my life, which are on constant replay in my head. Sometimes it makes me happy, sometimes it makes me sad.

For the latter reason, sometimes I wish I had no memory, but more woke each day with a clean slate in which I could rebuild some beautiful memories to soon be forgotten, so it wouldn't make me sad remembering them.

Nine Days

Today is my second last day of work, I'm feeling kind of strange these past few weeks, kind of like I am floating above my body watching this movie about a girl who's planning on leaving behind everything she knows and venture on this amazing adventure by moving to the other side of the world, and whilst I'm watching this movie I'm secretly jealous that I'm not that girl thats leaving. Except this time I am the girl that is leaving, in 9 days to be exact.

Anxious, Excited, Scared are all words that spring to mind when I think about how I'm feeling about leaving Australia for the first time (except for Bali for 10 days, but that's hardly the same thing)- but I think mainly I'm just happy. Happy that I'm getting out, happy that I'm finally embarking on something that I've always wanted to do. Amongst all the changing goals of wanting to be a Lawyer, then a journalist, then a doctor, then a teacher- travelling has always been there and now I am doing it! Now I'm about to break out and see this big wide world. Well in 9 days anyway (-:

His room

Today has been one week since Bryan left for Europe, although it feels more like 1 year. Getting use to him not being around has been different then I thought it would be, no better or worse, just different. Perth seems like a different place without him around, a sadder place where everywhere I go a memory with Bryan surfaces until I manage to push it from my mind and focus on something else. It’s kind of been working too. But not today.

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about his room, one of my favourite places to be in this world. I’ve moved house 3 times in the last 4 years and that whole time Bryan’s room has remained the same (Except for the ever-growing amount of wonderful trinkets). His room has been one of the only constants in my life for a long time, a place where I can feel safe and happy. A place where we have had many nights of renting videos together, talking together, sleeping together, waking up with each other, eating, drawing, building lego, getting drunk, arguing, listening to music together… And now it feels like it’s gone, even though I know it’s still exactly the same as it was when I saw it last week.